What’s it like, livin’ on the edge?
I can’t say that I’m not used to it. At times, it feels like this was how I was destined to live at least a very large part of my life. And I hold out hope that someday that will change, for good.
I’m used to the ups. I’m used to the downs. I’m used to figuring out how to enjoy those ups, I’m used to figuring out how to pull myself from out of those downs.
I can think back now to one of those times, about 30 years ago today — how ironic — when I figured out how to pull myself up. It was a lot like my situation now, except I didn’t have a family of my own to worry about. I started pulling myself up the day that my first niece, Jennifer Lea, was born. It was then that I decided to write a book, a memoir. That book is still waiting to be published.
Someday, it will be published. I can feel it in my bones. I still have that to help lift me up when I need it.
Those down times can get mighty low. Even then, if anyone asks me how it’s goin’, I’ll typically just reply, “Hangin’ in there!” There’s no lie in that.
It’s the weight more than anything that I feel. Not my own physical weight, there’s more than enough of that. It’s the weight that can’t be seen on the shoulders that sometimes just keeps coming back, pushing down … making the heart ache.
It does ache. No over-the-counter pain reliever takes that away.
It’s the responsibility that sometimes feels like it’s going to crush the life out of you, to the point that you want to yell out in pain just in the hopes that it makes you feel better. It does, for a while … until the next time it comes around.
It’s finding yourself with a shorter fuse than you can ever remember having in your whole life, and finding yourself blowing up at those who mean the most to you at times when the short fuse runs out. It means asking for forgiveness from them when that happens.
It’s the nervousness and the fear that remain even when you feel that good things are going to happen because you’re working to make them happen, you just don’t know when they’re going to happen.
It’s the comfort and grace that you feel deep down inside when you follow a “direction” that you feel in your heart, a way to get some kind of confirmation that you’re still on the right track, even though the method of getting that confirmation may seem “crazy,” and actually “getting it” in mysterious ways. Isaiah 60.
It’s feeling like you’re skidding toward the edge of a steep cliff, and you’re scratching and clawing to keep from falling off and you wonder what it’s going to be like if you do … and you just can’t see it, no matter how bad the fear gets.
It’s praying for a detour.
It’s having that faith that the detour sign is coming up at just the right moment in time. It’s believing that it can be done … swiftly.
Copyright 2012, Daddysangbassdude Media
- Scene Description Spotlight: “Cast Away” (gointothestory.blcklst.com)