EDITOR’S NOTE: I wish more people could know what goes on inside the mind of my lovely wife Amy as well as I do. I wish more people could know what’s inside of her heart as well as I do. We’re going through something now where I wish that more than any other time, and she’s giving more of a glimpse into what makes her “tick” with this article than anything she’s written about so far in this blog. There are people out there who may think they know her and understand her, but no one knows her mind or her heart as well as me. There’s tremendous depth to her mind and heart that many people who know her still don’t see, and this is still only a glimpse into the lady. I’m happy to give her this outlet, to say what’s on her mind and in her heart, digging down to the depths of her inner beauty.
By Amy Kathleen Miller
I feel compelled to write this, because of going through times where I can be terribly frustrated with life because of where we are. But I have to remember that my God is still somehow in this equation.
I read promises in the Bible that He is working in our lives and that He will never leave us or forsake us. This article is an honest to goodness reflection of how I feel right now. It gives me a feeling of release from my thoughts of frustration and bitterness and anger. How dare we go through what we are going through in our lives. Why must we be victimized in this way? John’s unemployment is really an unfair thing, because he has always been a very good worker and deserves better than what we have. So why are we going through this? But then, again, that is a selfish thought, and the thought comes to me, “Amy, you should know better than to wish that on someone else other than your family.” Maybe it’s a test of faith. Or, walking that tightrope of faith — working toward balancing in faith and non-faith. What a position to be in.
Two years ago I started training my beautiful grey mare, Cheyenne, to do tricks. She and I are becoming a good team. John’s unemployment has been an emotionally draining thing, so I would go out and work on the horses. I’ve also tried my hand at giving riding lessons to try and earn some money. I have worked hard with our two horses, taken lessons, and have become a pretty competent rider. I still have a way to go, but learning never ends. I usually stop working on them in the winter. But I have so much at stake, and I still have my dream or the drive to keep working with the horses. I also feel the need to help John make money.
Winter is approaching and I had all these feelings running through me. I had to figure out a way to make money and keep up with my dream on how to earn money. I’ve applied for positions where employers were looking for music teachers who had experience teaching, not necessarily a degree. I would apply, but nothing has come from it. I’ve applied for positions working with dogs or cats, walking dogs, part-time jobs like that where I have perfect skills. Nothing. Or, I fit the position well, but there is the Saturday Sabbath issue. The list goes on and on, frustration mounting. Oh, how I wish I could make money. And the thought also came to me, if only I could give riding lessons.
And now, if I’m going to take one more shot at a dream, I have to make a move. I have to step out of my comfort zone and make a move. I have to step out in faith. I have to trust those promises I’ve believed in for so long.
I need to move to a place more challenging for the horses and me. If I want to progress, I have to move. But do I have money for such an endeavor? Then all the thoughts of “if only I could do this” started going through my mind. If only I could give riding lessons, if only I could get a job that was close to home and was right up my alley in music or animals that didn’t pay so little. If only I could get more music students, like I’ve had before others started losing their jobs and being unable to afford lessons, or moving on due to other priorities.
I really was feeling like I was God’s scapegoat, that all the bad stuff happened to me, not realizing that my God might have a plan. So, eventually, I posted a comment on Facebook about my frustration. That led to misunderstandings and hurt feelings on the part of a close friend.
I was so frustrated that I was mad at the world and everything in it for my not being able to find a good job. I have never worked for anyone ever before, only self-employed as a music teacher. So many changes in my life, so many frustrations, and to add to it all a Facebook post caused problems with a close friend who I consider a lifesaver, when I tried to express those frustrations in a way that wasn’t meant to slam anyone.
This morning, as I was lying in bed about 3 a.m. (why is it that everything happens at 3 a.m.?), the thought occurred to me about my frustration and what I had to do. I was fighting God. I knew I had to move, it didn’t have to happen now, but maybe God was telling me that I needed to go. I was scared about the money it would take. But God works in mysterious ways. He tests our faith when we feel more vulnerable.
The puzzle pieces came together TODAY. God was probably telling me — and I’ve been fighting it — to move because I have outgrown the place where I’ve been, a place to condition my horses to progress where I need them to be in their abilities. I need a place to continue riding, even in the winter, and I need to teach. I have two riding students already.
I feel like I have to try. Nothing else outside of that is taking shape yet.
How do I know it is God telling me these things? Because I believe it was God guiding me when I was frantically looking for a new home for the horse Milo since August, and He came through every time. Now, Milo is in a permanent home where he will be loved. Even before I could find this new place where he is at, I was frantic. I was searching many rescue facilities. I prayed hard, and then I got this feeling in me that Milo would be safe in a new home — a home I could not find then.
Today, Milo (now named Legend) is in a new place. He does have aggression issues that need some attention because of poor treatment and neglect in the past, but he is coming along nicely and his new owner says he will stay there for the rest of his life. I take that prayer seriously. God took care of this horse.
God has also told me that if He could care for this horse, how much more can he take care of me? I believe that. So I must step out in faith. I will step out in faith, outside my comfort zone, into something new. I will step out with God by my side.
“The things that are impossible with men are possible with God.” — Luke 18:27
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5-6
“In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” — Romans 8:37
Editor’s Note: “Amy’s Angle” is a weekly Wednesday feature in this blog.
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